Guilt of Moving Abroad without parents

Alright then. Today we’re discussing a difficult topic. It’s about dealing with the guilt of moving away or moving abroad without your parents. 

I can’t believe that we’re doing this episode. Both Darshan and I have discussed doing this topic for a while now. We generally believe that it is a very personal topic for everyone, and not everyone is comfortable discussing it. But we’ve learned over time that discussing difficult topics out loud makes us more comfortable with them. So here we are. Talking about one of the biggest guilt that most Desi Immigrants have - Leaving their aging parents back home. 

We’ve spoken a lot about this topic on our Instagram but we’ve always dealt with it using humor and never confronted it head-on. Darshan even wrote an entire blog about “Seeing your parents getting old on screen”. You can check that out later. The link will be in the description. 

Now, to keep the video structured and coherent, this is how the video will go. 

First we’ll discuss 2 perspectives of leaving your parents behind. One is my perspective and one is Darshan’s. 

Next, we’ll share some ways with which we deal with this guilt of leaving our parents behind, how we’ve dealt with an emergency situation and then we’ll leave you with some thoughts and we can discuss more about it in the comments section. 

So, let’s begin.

And yes, if you like our work and the content we put out on this channel, please like this video and subscribe to our channel. It will motivate us to do better. 

Perspective 1: Priya

I’ll first share my perspective. I’m from a small town called Durgapur and from a very young age both my brother and I were told that we need to eventually leave this town. 

We both left Durgapur after 12th and since then keep visiting it during holidays, occasions etc. So one might say that by now, I’ve spent more time away from my home and parents than I have with them. 

What I’m trying to say is that most people from small towns, if they’re ambitious, like I am, tend to leave their homes eventually. We are probably luckier that our parents have always been our biggest cheerleaders and have asked us to follow our dreams. So, when it came for me to leave India and move here to the US, my family was very comfortable with the idea. And now that my brother has also moved here, they’re equally happy that we’re both following our dreams. 

I’ll come to the point of how we’ll deal with their old age later. 

Perspective 2: Darshan

Darshan’s perspective is completely different from mine. His is a big city perspective. He’s from Mumbai. He spent almost 30 years of his life there before moving here. He grew up there, studied there, and worked there. Even when he was working in Pune, his main goal in life was to find something in Mumbai. 

See, in India, when you grow up in bigger cities such as Mumbai, Delhi etc. you’re not taught to leave your home for greener pastures. In fact, for you, your city is the center of your world. 

Especially for Mumbaikars. They have some weird love for that city that I’ve never understood even after knowing Darshan for a decade now. 

Coming back to the topic, Like I said, Darshan never intended to leave Mumbai. His parents had never thought about the fact that he may leave the city. A lot of his friends from Mumbai had left the country to do their masters. But he never thought about it. So, after we got engaged, when he decided to move here I’m sure it was a very difficult decision for him. In fact, it was once again his parents who told him that he should explore moving to the US and come back if he doesn’t like it. 

Agreed, not everyone has such parents. But what I’m trying to say is that we both come from 2 different perspectives and backgrounds and yet we’re both here. 

Darshan talks to his family everyday for 10 minutes and I speak to my family once a week for 1 hour.

Darshan sends some money home each month per habit but I don't. I send it whenever it’s needed.

And honestly, we both found it extremely difficult when we first moved here. 

Now, let’s discuss how we both deal with the guilt of leaving our parents back home

First of all, I’d like to say that no matter how evolved you are, no matter what background, there will always be some amount of guilt that you’ll feel for moving abroad without your parents. 

The first way to deal with this guilt is to accept the fact that you feel some guilt. 

It’s Ok to let it out. Because once you accept it, you’ll take some steps to deal with it. 

Now, once you’ve accepted what to do. 

Here’s what we do. 

Talk To your parents:

This could be based on what you and your parents find comfortable. Like I said earlier, Darshan speaks everyday for 10 minutes. I talk to them once a week for an hour. 

Get them to open up.

Parents have this unique ability to keep you away from bad things. So if they’re going through some issue, they will hide it from you. So, how to get them to open up? 

You tell them everything in your life. At least as much as you can. Please don’t talk to them about your fights with your spouse. But other smaller details. What you ate, what you saw, where you are going next for vacation etc. This helps them to open up and they will start sharing everything with you. 

This is important because they need to be able to openly discuss with you everything. Even if they are unwell. Because unless you have all the information, you won’t be able to do anything for them. 

Visit Often

Goes without saying. But when you visit them, give them your undivided attention. Plan a trip with them. Go out with them. Talk to them. After a certain age, all your parents want is to talk to you and spend some quality time with you. So, give them that. This will also make you happy. And you’ll get to eat all the amazing home cooked food. 

Shut out negative comments and relatives

I’ll give you an example. When last year my brother too was moving to the US, some people from my town told my parents that now they’ll be alone in their old age. My mom’s retort was, “Your kid fought with you and now lives separately. How is it helping you?”. 

The point is, you’ll always find someone who will constantly try to tell you what you’re doing is wrong. Ignore those comments. Better yet, shut out those comments. 

Invite them to Visit you

All the guilt of having experienced something great without your parents will vanish once they visit you. You can show them around, help them experience the life you’re experiencing. Not only will it make them happy, it will also make you happy because they’re happy. 

Dealing with an Emergency Situation

First of all, we hope that no one ever experiences an emergency situation. But life is weird and it’s always best to prepare for every situation. 

How we dealt with emergencies concerning parents

By Building a Support System

For us to be able to do that, we first need to understand that even if you were there, you’ll ned to rely on a few others for help. That’s how it is. Once you get that, it will be easier to build that support system. This support system could be anything you’re comfortable with. Your close friends, your neighbors, your closest relatives and of course your siblings if you are blessed with one. 

Darshan and I both have siblings. My brother just moved here to the US but while he was there, I wasn’t concerned about how things may work out if there was an emergency. 

So is the case with Darshan. His sister is still in India and she’s always there in case of an emergency. But even though she's not in the same town, we all rely on the support system we’ve built over the years. Our relatives, our neighbors etc. 

For example, in 2020 when Darshan’s entire family had COVID including his grandmom, he was super stressed. Flying was restricted. No one could fly. Even his sister was in Bangalore. So both of them set up a system to take care of them from where they were. Spoke to them, spoke to doctors, spoke to each other etc and took care of things from where they were. The system they had set up worked. The neighbors sent food everyday. The doctor shared results everyday. They knew that even if they were in Mumbai, they couldn’t have been physically present there.  

I’m not saying that the system is full proof and it is always going to be possible to rely on it, but you have to assess the situation and act on it. 

Be prepared to fly back to them in case of an emergency. But also plan things. Have contact details of their doctors. There are more and more services opening for NRIs for this particular reason. 

But the baseline should always be that you can always go back at the drop of a hat. We’re prepared for that. But once we’ve accepted that, it makes things easier to deal with. 

Parting Thoughts

If you’re in the phase where you’re contemplating whether you should move abroad for studies or work etc. My advice will always be that you should try it. You may not like it, you may have to adjust. But at least you would have tried rather than regretting that you had an opportunity and you didn’t. 

And I’m sure even your parents would want you to try. Because we all know that they want to see us happy. And if you live your life with that regret, they’ll know. More than anything, they’ll be sad because they’ll know that you didn’t go because of them. But even if you don’t go abroad, have that honest conversation with yourself and with your parents. 

And you know the best part, you can always go back. 

Now, some may argue, Ke Jaana hi kyun hai. India is a wonderful country, and it’s doing extremely well and you can make a good amount of money there too and live a comfortable life and stay with your parents. To them I say, Sure. 

But if you want us to make a video on that and discuss whether one should stay in India or move out, then please let us know in the comments. 

Until then, remember if things aren’t going your way, It’s ok yaar, they soon will.